30 Ways to Introduce Myself

15 Ways in Which I Am a Millennial

1.) I’m writing a list-icle.

2.) This list-icle is all about me.

3.) Sometimes I use hashtags in place of punchlines. #amifunnyyet

4.) I get panicky when I take a picture and can’t use an Instagram filter. What if the picture actually does look better in Rise?

5.) I take pictures of/post about food I’ve made to show people that I’m slowly somewhat transitioning into adulthood/that I have good taste.

6.) I did have to move in with my parents after college until I found a job, so sue me.

7.) My student loans and the >3 years until I’m off my parent’s insurance absolutely petrify me.

8.) I like to check Tumblr to know about the hip new thing to be offended by.

9.) I will own your ass in Disney movie or Harry Potter trivia.

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10.) FOMO is a thing that genuinely scares me. I don’t want to attend most events that are advertised to me (namely ones that don’t involve family, close friends, movies, delicious food, or art) but it seems lame that what I’m looking forward to at the end of my week is watching the newly added episodes of Parks and Recreation on Netflix.

11.) Related to the last entry, I do worry about how my life looks to other people on social networking. I had a gym teacher in middle school who tried to appeal to our permeable pubescent minds by saying, “You’re more worried about yourself than other people are worried about you.” I remind myself of this constantly.

12.) This post is peppered with GIFs I yanked from Tumblr.

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13.) I feel contractually obligated to buy magazines with Jennifer Lawrence’s face on the cover.

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14.) I like “Mean Girls” so much that I read the non-fiction parental self-help book it’s based on: “Queen Bees and Wannabes.” I love it too. Gretchen’s speech on what the Plastics wear each day of the week is actually lifted straight from the book. (Yes, on Wednesdays those real-life teenage girls quoted in the book wore pink.)

15.) I’m too fond of useless adverbs and hyperbole. I once had a creative writing professor ban me from using adverbs for one semester.

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And 15 Ways in Which I Am Not a Millennial

1.) I’m not all that nostalgic for the 90’s. I didn’t have cable growing up, so I missed out on Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and Disney Channel shows. I had to watch Disney movies and educational television like The Magic School Bus, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Kratt’s Creatures, Reading Rainbow, and Nature on “grown-up PBS.” When I was sick and my parents weren’t there, I’d watch Jerry Springer, which is a wonderfully different kind of educational television, and Oprah, especially when she had “behind the scenes of movies” segments.

2.) I also wasn’t allowed to play video games. I want to play them but I am terrible at them, like I am at every sport ever invented, and coincidentally for most of the same reasons (hint: hand-eye coordination).

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3.) I also wasn’t allowed to eat garbage processed food. My favorite food from childhood was a shitake mushroom gravy my mom made. My fond memories of foods such as Fruit Gushers are from freshman year of college.

4.) I listen to NPR like it’s my job. In fact, I saw Wait, Wait . . . Don’t Tell Me! when they came to Atlanta, and my brother and I were the youngest and second youngest people in the audience, respectively.

5.) Downton Abbey is my jam, spread on a piece of bread with some peanut butter.

6.) I love to read the news, long-form if possible, on print if possible.

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7.) I’m waiting for the day to come when I come up with a funny caption for the cartoon contest in the back of the New Yorker.

8.) I know what the New Yorker is.

9.) I could get lost in the “Documentaries” section of Netflix.

10.) I got what people told me all throughout college was a “useless” degree (English-Creative Writing with a minor in Visual Arts) and I found a big-girl job within my field within 3 months of graduating.

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11.) I do read classic literature, it’s just people talk to me about reading Divergent, the Hunger Games books, and the A Song of Ice and Fire books. I’ll read just about any type of fiction, provided it doesn’t rhyme with Schmwilight or Schifty Schades of Schey.

12.) I don’t like Lena Dunham. I really want to like her, but I just can’t.

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13.) I don’t like dubstep. I prefer my electronica with vocals, thank you very much.

14.) I really don’t like to binge watch things. My friends get so frustrated at how long it takes me to finish things. For instance, I started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer sophomore year of college, and I’m still only on season 4. For a point of reference, my boyfriend watched all seven seasons in a week.

15.) Damn kids these days, man.

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