Common Arguments Against Gay Marriage Applied to Bacon

Some people believe homosexual relationships are a sin because the Biblical book of Leviticus 18:22 said “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” That’s fine if you believe that . . . if you also don’t eat pork products; Leviticus 11:7-8 states, “And the pig, because it parts the hoof and is cloven-footed but does not chew the cud, is unclean to you. You shall not eat any of their flesh, and you shall not touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.”

Yeah, put down that ham sandwich, you filthy sinner. It’s truly fascinating that this rule and other Leviticus rules are more specific and rack up a larger word count than the homosexual relations one. Homosexual relations? Abomination. Just an abomination, not gonna elaborate. But here’s why you shouldn’t eat pigs: they have cloven hooves and they don’t chew their cud like cows do. I mean, duh. It almost seems like the homosexual relations rule was an afterthought: “Uh, yeah, I guess we can include that. I have more important things to write about, like shellfish, mixing fabrics, and beards.” (Leviticus 11:10-12, 19:19, and 19:27, respectively.)

So, as a fun little theological experiment, let’s apply common arguments against gay marriage to pork products, specifically bacon.

“No, I will not serve you. I can smell the bacon grease on you and I don’t agree with your sinful pork-eating lifestyle. Please leave my shop.”

“How am I going to explain bacon to my children? What if I’m walking down the street with my son and I pass someone eating a BLT, and he says, ‘Mommy, what is that man doing?’ What am I supposed to say to him?”

“People shouldn’t eat bacon because if we let people eat bacon, what will happen next? People will probably start eating cats and dogs is what will happen. Will this depravity ever end?”

“How does eating bacon even work? Like, you eat it with your fingers? You don’t pick it up with a fork like you do with steak? I mean, why would someone prefer bacon when there’s steak? That’s just unnatural.”

“Hey, eating bacon is a choice. No one is born loving bacon.”

“Well of course the bacon-loving kid is going to get bullied. It’s just that he makes such a show about loving bacon.”

“Bacon eaters aren’t that oppressed; consider the poor, maligned steak eater who was attacked by the PC crowd just for expressing his beliefs.”

“The liberal media is pushing the bacon agenda too hard. If our impressionable children see people eating bacon with breakfast, they’re going to grow up thinking it’s normal.”

“I’m just a champion for traditional meat values. People who eat bacon shouldn’t raise kids. Children need two parents that both love steak, otherwise they won’t function properly in society.”  (thank you, Darryl, for this one!)

And the last one I’m going to leave you with because I’ve made myself hungry:

“I know it doesn’t affect me personally, it’s just that my religion says eating bacon is wrong and I believe no one should have the right to eat bacon. I’d slap that shit right out of people’s hands if I could.”

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