I was commuting to work this morning and I had my music on “shuffle.” Interestingly, in the 30 minutes it took me to get to work this morning, my phone only played music by female artists. I was going to joke on Facebook about how, in messing around with the settings of my new iPhone last night, I must have set my phone to “Feminist Mode.” But then, after an extra cup of coffee (how most great ideas are born, really), I began to think of other ways in which “Feminist Mode” would manifest itself within the iPhone. Here are the things I came up with:
1.) Instagram would post every selfie with no filters with the hashtag #beautifuljustthewayIam
2.) Siri would listen to me, but wouldn’t take orders from my boyfriend. Or any man.
3.) My Photoshop Express app would be deleted.
4.) The LinkedIn app would only show updates about Sheryl Sandberg, Marissa Mayer, Janet Yellen, and Oprah.
5.) The Pinterest app would load with this question: “Are you planning your imaginary wedding because you want to, or because you’ve bought into heteronormativity?”
6.) The Facebook app would filter out engagement announcements and the statuses of conservative men.
7.) The YouTube app would refuse to load the comments under the videos.
8.) The Tumblr app would remain the same.
9.) Tinder would have an alert if a guy has posted recently on a Reddit MRA board so you’d know to swipe left.
10.) The weather app would say things like, “Sunny, 63 degrees, a beautiful day for taking down the patriarchy.”
11.) Snapchat would see that you’re sending a nude and bring up the alert, “You are more than your body. Have some self-respect!”
12.) If you tried to download the “Twilight” audiobook, it’d instead download Simone de Beauvoir’s “The Second Sex.” If you tried to cancel the download, it would go “Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine” and start downloading the “Hunger Games” books.
13.) The phone would be able to tell if you’re texting a guy who just wants to hook up while you want a relationship and send you a text that says, “Move on honey. You’re a Strong Independent Woman who don’t need no man.”
Note: This is meant to gently parody the common tenets of feminism, not criticize it. I swear if I see this up on Jezebel tomorrow talking about how I’m The Worst, I will quit the Internet.
Note Two: Like Jezebel would catch wind of this anyway.