The Books We’ll Need to Survive a Trump Presidency

(That is, in addition to Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World, 1984 . . . )

My general mood post-November 9 has been more or less like this:


To be fair, I have a certain amount of privilege that will mean I come away from this election cycle (mostly) unscathed. It is such an  English-major-white-girl thing to write about how we can fight fascism with ~<3*books*<3~ rather than doing the dirty work of putting our money where our mouths where our safety pins are. The only thing I can think of that’s more English-major-white-girl-y than this is a toss-up between getting drunk at a party and arguing over who started reading The New Yorker the youngest (“I started at 14!” “Well I started at 13!” *clueless bio major walks over and thinks you’re talking about when you started your periods*), or writing about the ennui of being a sexually liberated young woman, complete with droll descriptions of past lovers, for a creative writing class.

But I digress. When our President Elect attacks the fourth estate, it’s hard not to let one’s mind wander to what else he wants to censor. It doesn’t become a question of if the world will turn dystopian–it becomes a question of which one. Will all our homes be fitted with “parlor walls” à la Fahrenheit 451, with one wall showing nothing but our President’s tweets? Should I get used to the fact that I’m no longer in “Georgia” but rather “District 11”?

So here are my picks for books we need to read before our Orange Overlord–or, more likely/worse, our peers who voted for him–take them away:

John Lewis’ March Series


This recommendation is actually divorced from recent events, though they provide a context for Trump’s unfounded “all talk” comments. They cover Lewis’ time as a Freedom Rider, lunch counter-sitter, speaker at the March on Washington, and Edmund Pettus Bridge march participant, among other things. There is no excuse for people to not read these books.

“But I don’t like to read.” They’re graphic novels and they read fast.

“But I don’t have time.” You’re reading this, ain’t you?

“But I don’t have money.” Libraries, or shoot, borrow my copies. (Give them back, though, they’re signed.)

It’s also very important for liberals to read these books, too. No one is saying your safety pin over your heart isn’t in the right place, but real change takes real work, like what Lewis and his peers did. So most of us didn’t vote for Trump, okay well . . . where are you? Hopefully not buying one of these shirts.

The Wave


The number-one question following the election was how?!? and the answer lies in this book a lot of us read in middle school (. . . but apparently didn’t retain). Based on true events, a schoolteacher creates an experiment to illustrate how people fall for fascist movements, only the experiment spirals out of his control.

The Handmaid’s Tale


You know Mike Pence masturbates to the thought of the government in this book. You know it like you know the sky is blue.

To distract you from that deeply disturbing mental image, for which I apologize, I would like to nerd out and point out that time when the new Hulu show’s Twitter account followed me:


“But you could have easily Photoshopped that.” Bih take my word for it. And, for what it’s worth, they have since unfollowed me. But I wonder what drew them to me–my profile says I’m a book lover and I tweeted something pro-IUD three years ago that had conservative women breathing down my neck, so maybe that? Well, whatever it was, it worked, because you bet I will be watching, and reading, The Handmaid’s Tale.



You guys, Trump’s cabinet picks really depress me. Somewhere along the line during this past election, raging against “elites” translated to raging against genuine experts and professionals. It begs the question of where the line is drawn on who is an “elite”–do you not listen to your plumber because he’s a “butt crack and water elite”? Is your hairdresser a “cosmetology elite”?

The “elites” that seem to consistently draw the most scorn during a Republican presidential administration are scientists. My retired public-school science-teacher mother didn’t watch The Day After Tomorrow monthly during the wane of the Bush years because of a love for Dennis Quaid, y’all. So in addition to social justice-minded texts, I read scientific texts during these administrations as well. Carl Sagan’s is my favorite because his storytelling is so accessible (to everyone, not just scientists. Recall, I was an English major) that you forget you’re reading about friggin’ astrophysics. Nah, he’s just taking you along a journey of wonder for exploration and how amazing our universe is. So pick this up and learn how to make an apple pie from scratch. Just remember kids,


. . . and literature isn’t either.

Books by and about people who aren’t like us

The cruelest thing we can do to another human being is say we don’t relate to their experience, yet we do this all the damn time with the media we choose to consume. There’s been a lot of ink spilled about the “echo chambers” both sides have created politically, but this goes beyond politics. Several years ago, I laid into a friend of mine who said he didn’t listen to female comedians because he couldn’t “relate” to them. Sure, as a cisgender heterosexual male he couldn’t relate to some of their experiences, like what it’s like to date men or problems with one’s vagina or such, but to shut out their voices based on this alone, to not give the female comedians a chance to show that he and they might have some experiences in common is, frankly, sexist. He could have “related” to them on gender-neutral matters of, for instance, annoying coworkers or nagging parents, but what matters is that he didn’t want to stick around to find out.

Let me illustrate this with another example. I watched a couple of episodes of Insecure when I was at a conference. Yeah, I didn’t relate to Issa’s issues with race, but I also wasn’t meant to. I did relate to her awkwardness, her friendship with Molly, her desire to find an “out” for her job. I am not, nor was I ever, saying you should stick with a story you don’t genuinely relate to, I’m saying you shouldn’t write anyone off because you think you might not relate to them. “Echo chambers” may come from unfollowing all your Trump supporter friends, but they also come from the realization that the last five authors you read were all white men. The post-election narrative was at first that Trump’s victory was due to poor white people screaming to be heard, but then it came out that the victory was secured by well-off, educated white people who want to keep narratives that are not theirs subdued and quiet. So really, seek out any narrative that is not like yours to throw a Molotov cocktail into their efforts.

People can surprise you; I’m hoping Trump surprises us and does well. But I’m not holding my breath.


Definitive Proof that People Suck and You Shouldn’t Listen to Them

Note! Very important note! What follows does not reflect my actual opinion on any of these subjects. This is me trying to understand other people’s viewpoints (read: crazy internet comment rants) to show how most of the opinions we form are based upon the most arbitrary of platforms. Vast expanses of sarcasm and spicy words lie ahead.

1.)    If you’re fat, you are a lazy slob who’s going to die young. If you’re thin, you’re a vain, health-obsessed clone who’s bought into our culture’s obsession with thinness.

2.)    If you sleep with him, you’re a slut. If you don’t sleep with him, you’re a  . . . well, slut, but this time because you’re giving sex to men who aren’t him and that’s totally unfair. (Whether you actually are having sex with other men or not is irrelevant, you just are.)

3.)    If you’re progressive/liberal, you are only into causes that are “trendy” and have no respect for your elders. If you’re traditional/conservative, you’re a racist, sexist, homophobic, classist, “every other  ‘-ist’ one can think of” stick-in-the-mud.


4.)    If you’re female and you’re girly, you’re not trying hard enough to aspire to feminist ideals. If you’re female and you’re not girly, you’re subliminally saying that feminine things are “less than” masculine things and that’s sexist, ya sexist.

5.)    If you’re male and you’re masculine, you’re misogynistic. And yet, definitely into the ladies that you hate, because “bears” aren’t a thing. If you’re a sensitive or feminist male, you’re only sensitive to click with women and prove your masculinity.

6.)    If you want to get married, you’re a sad, lonely person who desperately needs human companionship to feel secure. If you don’t want to get married, you’re a sad, lonely person, blah blah, tired joke about having a million cats. Everyone knows the only companionship fulfillment you’ll get is through a romantic relationship because friends aren’t a thing, I guess.

7.)    If you study the arts/humanities, you think you’re better than everyone else because you’re defying society by not “being useful.” If you study the sciences, you think you’re better than everyone else because you’re smart in a field that is deemed to be hard, unlike those humanities, amirite? If you study business, you think you’re better than everyone else because you make more money than those warring arts and sciences people. God forbid someone studies something because they have a curious mind and they like and/or are good at the subject.


8.)    If you’re extroverted, you’re loud and annoying and you try to get up in everyone’s business. If you’re introverted, you should try to be more loud and annoying and getting up in everyone’s business.

9.)    If you alter your appearance (makeup, plastic surgery, straightening your curls, etc.), you are shallow and trying too hard to fit in. If you don’t alter your appearance, you are not trying hard enough to fit in and you’re “weird for the sake of being weird.”

10.)  If you say something bad about people of color, you’re racist. If you say something bad about white people, you’re reverse racist. (Reverse! Reverse! Slide to the left! Slide to the right!) Everything you ever do ever is racist. That sandwich you have—why’d you use white bread instead of brown? Racist pig.


11.) If you are religious, you have been brainwashed by other religious people. If you are not religious, you have been brainwashed by the late Christopher Hitchens and Internet neckbeards.

12.) If you go after your dreams, you’re going to face cold, hard reality and die sad. If you face cold, hard reality instead of going after your dreams, you’re going to die sad.

13.) If you are proud of who you are, you’re conceited and society should take you down a notch. If you’re insecure, just try being proud of who you are. How hard could it be?

14.) If you hate your job, quit and get a better one, no one’s making you stay in that profession. If you love your job . . . why? Everyone is supposed to hate their job.


15.) If you don’t want to have children, you’re selfish and missing out on one of the best things in life. If you do want to have children, you’re selfish because you’re straining world resources by adding more humans to an enormous population.


16.) If you’re young and career-oriented, you’ll regret being so serious when you get older. If you’re young and not career-oriented, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? You’re setting yourself up for future failure! Agh!

17.) If you don’t participate in society’s vices (drinking, sex, partying, etc.) then you think you’re better than everyone else and don’t know how to have fun. If you do, you’re a pox on society!

18.) If you still like the things you liked when you were a kid, you’re immature. If you don’t, you’re stuck-up and too serious.

Now, to be clear, there are some opinions you should listen to, such as, “I personally think wearing a thong-kini to the beach is a bad idea, Gary.” That person is trying to save you from embarrassment, which benefits you.

But in the age of the Internet we have this belief that “everyone is entitled to their opinion” and therefore everyone’s opinion has equal worth, which is frankly not true. Don’t look me in the eye and tell me I have to give an anti-vaxxer’s and a pediatrician’s opinions equal weight. Everyone may be entitled to his or her opinion . . . but not everyone is smart, or an expert. Or knows how to properly address your needs.

If you can tell that a person’s opinion is not constructive criticism and is just trying to “put you in your place” in society, you don’t have to listen to them. Hell, don’t listen to me if this article doesn’t suit your needs. People generalize and try to make other people fit into the arbitrary boxes they have created in their minds because it’s easier than regarding others as individuals with their own histories. You’re a person, not a cat. You don’t have to make yourself fit into someone else’s box.*


*I tried to fit your mom’s box last night, but it’s too loose. Hey-o!

If the iPhone had a “Feminist Mode”

I was commuting to work this morning and I had my music on “shuffle.” Interestingly, in the 30 minutes it took me to get to work this morning, my phone only played music by female artists. I was going to joke on Facebook about how, in messing around with the settings of my new iPhone last night, I must have set my phone to “Feminist Mode.” But then, after an extra cup of coffee (how most great ideas are born, really), I began to think of other ways in which “Feminist Mode” would manifest itself within the iPhone. Here are the things I came up with:

1.)  Instagram would post every selfie with no filters with the hashtag #beautifuljustthewayIam

2.)  Siri would listen to me, but wouldn’t take orders from my boyfriend. Or any man.

3.)  My Photoshop Express app would be deleted.

4.)  The LinkedIn app would only show updates about Sheryl Sandberg, Marissa Mayer, Janet Yellen, and Oprah.

5.)   The Pinterest app would load with this question: “Are you planning your imaginary wedding because you want to, or because you’ve bought into heteronormativity?”

6.) The Facebook app would filter out engagement announcements and the statuses of conservative men.

7.) The YouTube app would refuse to load the comments under the videos.

8.) The Tumblr app would remain the same.

9.) Tinder would have an alert if a guy has posted recently on a Reddit MRA board so you’d know to swipe left.

10.) The weather app would say things like, “Sunny, 63 degrees, a beautiful day for taking down the patriarchy.”

11.) Snapchat would see that you’re sending a nude and bring up the alert, “You are more than your body. Have some self-respect!”

12.) If you tried to download the “Twilight” audiobook, it’d instead download Simone de Beauvoir’s “The Second Sex.” If you tried to cancel the download, it would go “Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine” and start downloading the “Hunger Games” books.

13.) The phone would be able to tell if you’re texting a guy who just wants to hook up while you want a relationship and send you a text that says, “Move on honey. You’re a Strong Independent Woman who don’t need no man.”

Note: This is meant to gently parody the common tenets of feminism, not criticize it. I swear if I see this up on Jezebel tomorrow talking about how I’m The Worst, I will quit the Internet.

Note Two: Like Jezebel would catch wind of this anyway.